i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
