Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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