Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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