your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
