I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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