I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
