last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
