I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
