oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
