I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
