I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
