I cockslap morals
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
