i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
