I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
