Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
