Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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