before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
