How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
