I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
