I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
