She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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