i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
