I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
