connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
