if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
