I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
