I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
