Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
