Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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