Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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