I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
