now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How does it feel to date your dad?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
