New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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