I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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