I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
