Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
