In America we eat man semen.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
