I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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