you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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