not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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