I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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