It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
