I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
