I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
