She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
