So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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