Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
