were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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