when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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