i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
