i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
3pm strippers are depressing
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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