So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need to calm my uterus...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
