She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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