The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
