I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
